I Love You

I love You

I tell you “I love you” a lot.  I tell you that I leave you in the morning.  I tell you when we prepare to hang up the phone.  I tell you before you leave for work.  I tell you when you come into the kitchen IF I’m cooking.  I tell you when we’re watching TV.  I tell you “I love you” a lot.  You tell me, too.

I wonder though.

I wonder if you know what I mean.

You see, for me, “I love you” means much more than those very easy, very short few words.  “I love you” has become a type of shorthand in this insanely busy world we inhabit.  It’s become a secret and a reminder of much more than you’d find in the dictionary or even some pretty good commentaries.

It means “thank you for being here.”

Thank you for sitting with me.

Thank you for looking at me.

Thank you for forgiving me.

Thank you for wanting me.

Thank you for being the calm voice that sounds grateful when I call.

Thank you for letting me be quiet.

Thank you for telling me how great I look when I KNOW that I don’t.

Thank you for telling me how smart I am when I can’t figure anything out.

Thank you for being proud of me.

Thank you for annoying me.

Thank you for understanding how angry I get and understanding WHY I get angry.

Thank you for being patient.

Thank you for everything you’ve taught me.

Thank you for everything you’ll continue to teach me.

Thank you for our past and our regrets and each moment we spend surrounding and inhabiting and orbiting each other.

Thank you for saving me.

Thank you for being the island in this life that I can always escape to and always be safe and always relax on.

So, when I say “I love you,” please don’t think that it’s just words to fill the void.

It’s just the opposite.

Please know that when I say “I love you,” it’s a reminder that my thoughts and emotions for you are so huge that I have to edit them to three simple words or be forever drowned in that ocean.

You are the greatest gift in my life.


Stuff I Shouldn’t Write

So, sometimes, against my own better judgment, I write things that should just rattle around in my head instead of being made public.  But here’s the thing.  My husband and I went to friends’ house last night and spent several hours.  They drank beer.  I drank cider (2) and margaritas (3).  They drink regularly.  I do not.  I didn’t plan on doing anything this weekend.  An employee called in sick and so I had to go to work today…the day after the night out. Continue reading

I <3 My Job

Okay.  Not all the time.  Sometimes, I get bogged down the administrative bureaucracy of it all.  Sometimes, I wonder why the hell I waste my time in public service.  I mean, there ARE jobs out there that pay nice paychecks and don’t involve tax funding and all that.  Why not jump into the capitalist pool and have a nice, long soak?  I.  Like.  Money. Continue reading

The Push and the Pull of Family and Holidays

Thanksgiving-Turkey-DinnerNormally, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  It’s a time to get together and just enjoy being a family.  We generally spend it with my husband’s family and that’s been okay.  Not this year though.  Because of this and that, they’ve decided to combine Christmas and Thanksgiving.  Now, maybe you’ve one of those families where Christmas is more like my Thanksgiving.  Maybe you get together and make cookies and eat turkey and whatever.  In my husband’s family, that’s what it looks like on the outside.  Continue reading